BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. Hey, Paul Ryan, no need to debate. I'll be your tax reform Bill.
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KURTIS: Bill Kurtis. And here is your host...
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KURTIS: ...At the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much.
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SAGAL: We have got a great show for you today. Later on, we're going to be talking to Brian May, co-founder of the band Queen. Plus, he's an astrophysicist and an expert in 3-D photography. And we're going to do this just to make you feel bad about the little you've accomplished in your life.
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SAGAL: But first, last week we made a big change in this show and started offering as our prize the voice of any of us on your voicemail. Now, the response was overwhelming, very positive. But we need to make a little clarification. This is a confidential note to Jerry in Sheboygan, Wis. We know you love her, but Susan Stamberg - not technically part of our show.
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SAGAL: And trust me - she would never use language like that.
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SAGAL: Stop asking. The rest of us, though, await your orders, if you win. So give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
RACHEL BIALOSTOSK: Hi, this is Rachel from Minneapolis, Minn.
SAGAL: Minneapolis, Minn. How are you?
BIALOSTOSK: Minneapolis, Minn.
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SAGAL: We were just in Minneapolis.
BIALOSTOSK: I know. I couldn't get tickets. You guys are bigger than "Hamilton."
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BIALOSTOSK: Not bigger than "Hamilton." But close.
SAGAL: I'm not so sure about that. I will go so far as to say we have a happier ending.
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SAGAL: Well, thank you so much. I'm sorry we missed you, but we're glad to talk to you now. Let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up, it's the host of the public radio variety show "Live Wire," which will be at Lincoln Hall right here in Chicago Saturday night, October 28. It's Luke Burbank.
LUKE BURBANK: Hey, Rachel.
BIALOSTOSK: Hi.
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BURBANK: They would never boo me in Minnesota.
SAGAL: Next, the comedian who'll be performing at the Keg Stand Up at the Lakefront Brewery in Milwaukee on November 12. It's Mr. Adam Burke.
ADAM BURKE: Hello. Hi, Rachel.
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SAGAL: Finally, it's the comedian who will be performing at the Nourse Theater in San Francisco on New Year's Eve. It's Paula Poundstone.
PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hey, Rachel.
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SAGAL: So, Rachel, welcome to the show. You're going to start us off - I bet you knew this - with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotations from the week's news. You correctly identify or guess just two of them, you'll win our prize, the voice of anybody you hear here on your voicemail. You ready to play?
BIALOSTOSK: I think so.
SAGAL: All right. Here's your first quote. It is, as you could have anticipated, a tweet from the president of the United States.
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KURTIS: The reason they dropped out of the Senate race is very simple. They had zero chance of being elected.
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KURTIS: Now they act so hurt and wounded.
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SAGAL: The president was responding in his typically gracious way to the news that two senators - two senators - had stepped up and criticized him. Who are they?
BIALOSTOSK: Senator Flake and Corker.
SAGAL: Yes. Flake and Corker.
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SAGAL: When the history of the great anti-Trump rebellion is written, it will be said that it began on October 23, 2017 and lasted until later that afternoon.
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SAGAL: Corker and Flake. Does anybody worry that the profiles in courage of our time sound like a detective show set in 19th century London.
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SAGAL: The game's afoot, eh, Mr. Corker? Right you are, Mr. Flake.
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BURKE: Corker flakes sound like the soggiest breakfast cereal.
SAGAL: It's true.
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BURKE: The second you put them in the milk, they're just mush.
SAGAL: I know. It did seem strange. Both Senators Corker and Flake were praised for having the courage to say out loud that Trump is a liar and a bully. But then that very day, after he'd made his statement to the news media in the morning, Corker went to a lunch where Trump got a standing ovation. In his defense, Corker only did that crouchy (ph) thing where you don't really want to stand but you don't want to draw attention to yourself sitting, you know? And he only clapped a little.
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BURBANK: Is it possible he was standing, and we didn't know?
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SAGAL: It's possible. You mean little Bob Corker?
BURBANK: I mean, I'm just, you know, trying to be funny.
SAGAL: Yeah.
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POUNDSTONE: Wait, is Corker short?
SAGAL: He is a short man. And apparently...
POUNDSTONE: Oh, I didn't know that.
SAGAL: ...And I'm not kidding - that is, we are told, one of the reasons Trump does not like him - because Trump is biased against the short.
POUNDSTONE: Apparently, he didn't even speak to his kids until they were teenagers.
SAGAL: Yeah.
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BURBANK: But...
SAGAL: Also, that's true.
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BURKE: I would have thought he would like short people because it would make him feel taller. You know what I mean?
BURBANK: Well, that's right. He also doesn't like James Comey, who's like 7'3".
SAGAL: Right.
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BURBANK: So at least he is an equal opportunity bad person.
SAGAL: It is - but he does seem to, like, he thinks little is to be bad.
BURKE: He's always, like, I like that guy. I like that guy's height. And everyone's, like, that's a mirror. And he goes yeah, exactly.
SAGAL: Yeah. That guy. That guy.
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SAGAL: Now, your next quote is, ironically, not from the president, but it's from a president - somebody who's been accused of being one of the many men called out for their treatment of women.
KURTIS: My favorite magician is David Cop-a-feel (ph).
SAGAL: Who was forced to confess that he was being, as they used to say, fresh with the ladies?
BIALOSTOSK: OK.
SAGAL: I'll give you a...
BIALOSTOSK: George H.W. Bush?
SAGAL: Exactly. George H. W. Bush.
BIALOSTOSK: (Laughter).
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SAGAL: It turns out, as we have found out, that there were a lot of men raised in a different time...
BURKE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: ...An era in which you could treat women like playthings, lasting from the "Mad Men" days of the '60s until about three weeks ago, when Harvey Weinstein got caught.
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SAGAL: And all of a sudden, it seems like you cannot throw a rock without hitting a gross, sexist, old man. Although, as it turns out, throwing rocks at them is actually a lot of fun.
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SAGAL: And among the perps we have war hero, nonagenarian and former U.S. President George H.W. Bush. Apparently, he has fallen into the habit of grabbing women by the behind. And then he tells that lame joke. My favorite magician is David Cop-a-feel. His spokesman said this is just because he's in a wheelchair. And when he reaches out, his hand just happens to be at that level.
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SAGAL: I'm not kidding.
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SAGAL: I wish I was. It doesn't address, though - what's the greater crime, the harassment or that joke?
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BURBANK: I'm going with the harassment.
SAGAL: Yeah. You think?
BURKE: Yeah, the only thing that is creepier than that David Cop-a-feel joke...
SAGAL: Yeah.
BURKE: ...Is the actual David Copperfield...
SAGAL: Yeah.
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BURKE: ...If you've ever seen him. And I also...
POUNDSTONE: No. The only thing creepier than the David Cop-a-feel joke is having George Bush grab your ass.
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BURKE: Are you - I will say this. I am now thinking of the phrase read my lips in an entirely different way.
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SAGAL: Rachel.
BIALOSTOSK: Yes.
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BIALOSTOSK: Hello.
SAGAL: All right, Rachel, here is your last quote.
KURTIS: Alexa, is it a good idea to let strangers into my house?
SAGAL: That was CNN asking about what company's new plan to lead delivery people right into your house, even if you're not there?
BIALOSTOSK: Is it Amazon?
SAGAL: It is Amazon. Yes.
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BIALOSTOSK: Oh, yes.
SAGAL: Oh, Rachel's excited.
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SAGAL: As everybody knows - everybody knows this. We all use it. Amazon provides the convenience of not having to go to the store to get your stuff. Now we will have the convenience of not having to go to the door to get it.
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SAGAL: If you're a Prime member, Amazon will come in, drop off the package, open it and then turn you on the couch so you don't get bedsores.
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SAGAL: So this...
POUNDSTONE: They can come into your house to...
SAGAL: Yes. They can...
POUNDSTONE: ...To deliver this stuff?
SAGAL: Yes. The way it works is you get a camera from Amazon. You install it on your front door. It's connected to your lock. The company then checks when the Amazon guy shows up. They say, oh, yeah, that's one of our guys. They unlock the door. They let him in. He leaves. You lock it again. So this is great. You don't have to worry about stuff being stolen off your stoop. Now everything you own can be stolen.
POUNDSTONE: Yeah.
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BURKE: I think that shows a lack of imagination on people. Surely, what you - if you're worried about people stealing stuff off your porch, you just order stuff that is going to punish the people. Like, you know those gummy bears that are sugarless?
SAGAL: Yeah.
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BURKE: They're like a powerful laxative.
SAGAL: Yeah.
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BURKE: And they're, like...
POUNDSTONE: Why would gummy bears be sugarless?
BURKE: Because the world is an awful place.
SAGAL: Yes.
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POUNDSTONE: But that's why you eat the gummy bear - is for the sugar, right?
SAGAL: Yeah, pretty much.
POUNDSTONE: Why - than what is in it if it's not sugar?
SAGAL: Do you know...
BURKE: A powerful laxative.
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BURKE: Apparently, that's all that's left.
POUNDSTONE: Wow.
SAGAL: Bill, how did Rachel do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Rachel scooped them all. Congratulations, Rachel.
BIALOSTOSK: (Laughter) Thank you.
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SAGAL: Well done, Rachel. Congratulations.
BIALOSTOSK: Thank you.
(SOUNDBITE OF THE ROOFTOP SINGERS SONG, "WALK RIGHT IN") Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.