BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WEBZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. (Singing) Someone's knocking at the door. Someone's ringing the bill. I'm Bill Kurtis.
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KURTIS: And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill. Thanks everybody.
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SAGAL: Thank you so much. We have got a fantastic show for you today. Sen. Cory Booker of New Jersey will be joining us later on. He was the beloved mayor of Newark. Now he is a senator. And seriously, he is a regular member of every most-eligible bachelor in Washington list - until now - because in addition to Carl Kasell's voice today on this show, we are offering all our winners one magical night with Cory Booker.
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SAGAL: So get yourself gussied up and give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Let's welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON’T TELL ME.
JACKIE BENSON: Hi.
SAGAL: Well, hi. Who's this?
BENSON: I am Jackie Benson.
SAGAL: Well, hello Jackie Benson. Where are you calling from?
BENSON: I am from Moultonborough, N.H.
SAGAL: Moultonborough?
BENSON: Yes.
SAGAL: Where is Moultonborough?
BENSON: It's in the Lakes Region.
SAGAL: The Lakes Region of New Hampshire...
BENSON: Central - Central New Hampshire.
SAGAL: New Hampshire is so small. How could it have any regions?
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SAGAL: Well, Jackie, let me introduce you to our panel this week. First up it's a comedian headlining Zanies in Chicago on March 8. It's Adam Burke.
BENSON: Hi Adam.
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SAGAL: Next, it's a feature writer for the Style section of The Washington Post, Roxanne Roberts.
ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hi Jackie.
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SAGAL: And a comedian performing at the Laughing Derby in Louisville, Ky., on March 10 through the 12, it's Bobcat Goldthwait.
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SAGAL: Jackie, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis is going to perform for you three quotations from the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, you'll win our prize - the voice of scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell on your voicemail to do with what you will. Are you ready to play?
BENSON: I'm ready.
SAGAL: All right, here is your first quote.
KURTIS: "He is very, very not smart."
SAGAL: That...
ROBERTS: (Laughter).
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SAGAL: ...Was Mitt Romney speaking on Thursday - and we are certain absolutely stopping cold the inevitable rise to power of whom?
BENSON: That would be Donald Trump.
SAGAL: Yes, Donald Trump.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Oh, the fight is on. They decided to go after Trump. The GOP bigwigs needed someone who couldn't fail. But the best they could do was somebody who couldn't fail again, right? I mean, what are the odds? It was weird to hear after so many years from Mitt Romney on live TV. It was like getting a booty call from someone you dumped four years ago. Hey America, are you up?
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BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: When he talked about Trump's failed companies - and when he got to the vodka, he actually stumbled on that.
SAGAL: Yeah.
GOLDTHWAIT: Like, I don't know where his brain went 'cause I know he's a teetotaler, right?
SAGAL: Yeah, he's a Mormon. He doesn't drink.
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, yeah...
ADAM BURKE: He can't even say it.
SAGAL: Yeah.
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, he was like (stammering) vodka.
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BURKE: Am I right in thinking that this took place at the Hinckley Institute?
SAGAL: It did.
BURKE: That sounds like a place where you'd learn to take out a president, isn't it?
SAGAL: Yeah, that's true...
ROBERTS: Oh.
GOLDTHWAIT: But not successfully.
BURKE: Not successfully, right.
SAGAL: Which apparently is...
GOLDTHWAIT: So it was achieved...
SAGAL: ...What happened here.
ROBERTS: All of which is better than poor Chris Christie standing there on Super Tuesday.
SAGAL: Oh...
ROBERTS: I just felt so bad.
SAGAL: That's the thing - you see, some Republicans like Mitt Romney and others are saying no, they're going to fight. Others are, you know, getting on board before it's too late, like Chris Christie. As you say, he was standing there behind Trump as Trump went on the night of Super Tuesday. And Christie was so silent and so still because Trump had put a treat on Christie's nose...
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SAGAL: ...But hadn't given Christie the command to eat it.
GOLDTHWAIT: The whole Republican Party has been like a "Godzilla" movie, where they're denying, you know...
SAGAL: Yeah.
GOLDTHWAIT: ...Godzilla's loose.
SAGAL: Yeah.
GOLDTHWAIT: And now they're like...
SAGAL: He's stomping and stomping and...
GOLDTHWAIT: And now they're going oh, my God, it's real.
SAGAL: And Mitt Romney was like the scientist who says well, I will take care of this. And he goes out and he uses the special ray. And he's like it doesn't work. It doesn't - he likes it. It makes him bigger.
BURKE: Well, I think...
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BURKE: I think the one thing we've learned from those movies, the only way to stop a monster is a bigger mechanical version of that monster.
SAGAL: Yeah, it's the Pacific Rim theory.
BURKE: Yeah, so, like, they build, like, a Trumpton 2000 (ph). It's like gold-plated and beautiful day and huge and has a casino on its head. Like, just...
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SAGAL: Oh, my...
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.
SAGAL: That's a really good idea.
GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah. It's just - and it's reflective so the real Donald Trump is just drawn to it.
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SAGAL: All right, here is your next quote.
KURTIS: "I feel like I lived my whole life up here."
SAGAL: That was a man named Scott Kelly. He was speaking on Tuesday right before he headed home after breaking the American record for spending the longest time ever where?
BENSON: At the International Space Station.
SAGAL: In space, yes...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Very good.
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SAGAL: Very big deal, we've heard a lot about it. NASA live-streamed the reentry of a spaceship. Millions of Americans tuned in. They mistakenly believed the capsule contained Matt Damon returning from Mars. Damn.
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BURKE: Apparently, he said - they asked him what the first thing he's going to do when he got back. And he said the first thing he's going to do is jump into his pool. And I found myself being more jealous of the fact that he has a pool than his being to outer space, which tells you about my priorities.
GOLDTHWAIT: Your life. I think it's weird that his first thing is that he wanted to be weightless.
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GOLDTHWAIT: I want to jump back in the pool...
SAGAL: He had a lot of things he wanted to do. He said oh, I can't wait to enjoy a perfectly safe Chipotle burrito.
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SAGAL: And I'm really looking forward to congratulating the many black actors nominated for Academy Awards.
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SAGAL: Jackie, your last quote is really a bunch of them from a bunch of upset people in Italy.
KURTIS: (Imitating Italian accent) "This will destroy our country."
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GOLDTHWAIT: It's incredible.
KURTIS: (Imitating Italian accent) "It's a sign of the apocalypse."
BURKE: I don't know about you, I feel transported to the Tuscan countryside.
SAGAL: Pretty much, amazing.
GOLDTHWAIT: I thought De Niro was here for a minute. That was crazy.
SAGAL: No, they were actually outraged because for the first time ever, a what is opening up in Italy?
BENSON: I want to say, like, a Papa John's or something.
SAGAL: Oh, it's actually - it's - you're on the right track.
BENSON: Where do you get - like, oh God, the bottomless breadsticks.
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SAGAL: This is - we're just - what do you mean, Olive Garden?
BENSON: Yes, Olive Garden.
SAGAL: We're coming up with even more ways to piss off the Italians. There's nothing wrong with that something wrong with that, but I'll give you a hint. They'd be like venti - what do you mean venti? Venti means 20. Why are you asking me...
BENSON: Oh, a Starbucks.
SAGAL: A Starbucks...
KURTIS: Yes.
SAGAL: ...Yes.
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SAGAL: For the first time ever, Starbucks is opening a store in Italy. They're going to have to adjust the menu. Here - you know, they just have all these silly names for drinks we make fun of. In Italian, those words have meaning. Order a frappuccino - you say (imitating Italian accent) I'd like a frappuccino in Italy, you'll get arrested or that creepy barista will go - oh, really? - and invite you into the back.
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BURKE: Just to be absolutely clear, you're trying to imply that a frappuccino is some sort of sex act?
SAGAL: I wasn't going to be that blunt about it.
BURKE: Well, 'cause now I'm trying to think what a mocha frappuccino would be. And it's like...
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GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah.
SAGAL: What I can't - I mean, Italy is, in fact, filled everywhere you go - there's cafes serving the best little cups of coffee you ever had, every street corner. It's great; it's part of Italian life. Why would an Italian person with that going for him or her want to go into a Starbucks?
BURKE: Peter, Italian people need somewhere to write their screenplays that are never going to get made...
SAGAL: That's true.
BURKE: ...Just as much as Americans do.
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SAGAL: You make a good point. Look, at the Starbucks, it's Roberto Benigni.
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SAGAL: In Italy, in an Italian Starbucks, if you order a pumpkin spice latte, by law they can punch you in the face.
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SAGAL: Bill, how did Jackie do on our quiz?
KURTIS: She was perfect, Peter. Three right and the win.
BENSON: Woo-hoo.
SAGAL: Thank you, Jackie. Thanks for playing, congratulations.
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SAGAL: Bye-bye now.
BENSON: Bye. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.